Are you a supervillain who dreams of world domination? Do you have a patent pending on a superpower-suppressing serum? Do you possess 5/6 infinity stones?
If you replied “yes” to any of the above, you’re going to need a secret lair ASAP. Here are some tips to get you started.
Step One: Seek out a sinister locale
The darker and danker, the better. No matter where you set up, your superhero nemesis is bound to pay his favorite supervillain a visit sooner or later. Don’t make things too comfortable! Keep your eyes peeled for A+ features such as excessive mud, sewer entrances, tick-infested grasses, and murky swimming pools.
Alternatively: get elected to a political office or infiltrate a trusted organization (private or government) and let them provide the office space. Nothing destroys a superhero’s morale like discovering their enemy’s lair is their own backyard.
Step Two: Acquire a supervillain guard dog, crocodile, or rabid robot
If acquiring your guard pet at the animal shelter, for heaven’s sake, be chill about it. Take your time with the application. Make conversation. Smile.
And no matter how cute they are, do not let the kittens charm you into taking them home. Kittens and secret lairs do not mix. They will knock over your water and walk all over your keyboard, inevitably activating your supervillain weapons and/or emailing all your top secret blueprints to that reporter who always just happens to be nosing around when you come face to face with your nemesis.
Crocodiles never walk across keyboards, by the way. They do, however, necessitate the installation of a sturdy fence.
Step Two-Point-Five: Build a fence.
For aforementioned reasons.
Step Three: Hire a discreet interior decorator
Bonus if the decorator has an ulterior motive and/or a penchant for evil. Failing that, find a decorator with a dark secret you can hold over them. Or a beloved pet hamster they’d prefer to keep out of your hostage-holding paws.
Step Four: Install state-of-the-art alarm system
If it doesn’t involve sharks, it’s not worth mentioning.
Step Five: You’re done! Throw a supervillain lair-warming party!
Rent a dunk-the-hero-in-acid tank. Prowl Pinterest until all your evil snack ideas look sooo last year. When everything is miserably perfect, book a shuttle to whisk your guests (willing and otherwise) to your fabulous new lair. Don’t forget the blindfolds! Make sure to invite your decorator; a slighted artist is a lippy artist.
And for the love of everything, keep that crocodile contained.
If you enjoy supervillain-ish shenanigans, you can click here to sign up for my newsletter–which comes along with a free short story collection Spells and Spaceships: Stories. It’s definitely got a supervillain. There are also space racers, magic school rejects, and a day in the life of the last human on Earth. It’s pretty fun stuff, if I may say so myself.